What if I don’t die from meeting my fears?

Searching for answers from my own experience … and this might be part of the birth of the love warrior.

I’m sitting there waiting for the workshop to start. I am uneasy, on the verge of leaving the premises. I look at the other persons who is waiting beside me. I get the feeling that the others know each other, or at least some of the others, while I am alone.

And who are they, anyway? Maybe they are scary weird people?

The first time this happens I am really scared. It’s like my whole being wants to drop dead, instead of being in this insecurity. I can not see anything but this moment, and remember moments when I’ve felt frightened before. In this moment I remember things that hurt, like the bullying of me, of the others not wanting to play with me.

In this moment I believe that I am the only sound person in here, that it might be dangerous to sit here, waiting for the workshop to start.

Later I learn that I will have this kind of uneasiness many times in my life, and sometimes also a feeling of being overwhelmed, and that this is natural. The insecurity, the internal fear is part of the process. I learn that I can breathe through fear, and come out on the other side, being more curious than afraid. And when these emotions float up, I am not, any longer, kidnapped by my primal brain, I don’t go in to freeze, fight or flight mode. I allow these emotions to run around in my system, and in the end, they get knackered and sort of doze off. Now I know that, so it’s so much easier to be in the waiting-room, embracing all these emotions, and then, be able to stay in the now. Are there any dangers around? No. Well, relax then.

But the first times it was close to terror inside. Something was forcing me to enter these rooms and spaces. It was like my soul, or my subconscious, or my higher self, or what ever you want to call it, said: ”You shall enter this room, no matter what. I know there is a space for you in there. I know that you will be welcomed just as you are. And I obeyed this inner force, this really strong force, it was almost like having a storm inside roaring: Go inside that room. Let go of your fears. Let go of this fight flight mode. It’s time to meet YOURSELF, and inside that space, it’s possible.

And then the inner voice started to whisper in my ears, almost like a secret lower, encouraging me to stay, to open the door, go in to my playfulness and meet what ever I was supposed to meet.

And I am so grateful for entering, for diving into the depth of what is me, coming in contact with layers I hardly knew exist. And then slowly, not moment by moment, more of year by year, feeling that my body relaxed a bit, and a bit more.

To enter these spaces was to enter my depth, to find myself, to witness myself, to being myself. After the first chock, at the entrance, I was able to see that inside these door resides love, an unconditional love I hadn’t met before. To enter there was like a homecoming.

So I know about the fears at the entrance, and all the ideas and beliefs I had befor entering. I made lots of judgments from rumors and ideas.

And now, I sort of invite people to go into a space where they are free to be themselves, where conditioning is overruled, and where all that we are is welcome. Even what we dislike. Even sexuality. Even personal power.

And by mirroring myself like this, I might see other mirrors, other persons fear, and be aware of how frightening the door that lead into our beings, our heart might seem. And I would like to show, that entering this room has opened my heart… and hopefully others might be inspired by that, and be curious to open the door, at least ajar, to get a glimpse of our inner universes…

And my way is to be there around the door, in the opening of the space, and welcome people with kindness, love and respect.