Meeting the innocent core
THE INNOCENT CORE, THE PARTS OF ME THAT ALWAYS STAY INTACT, THE BEING-NESS IN ME, THE WILD IN ME WANTS TO BE LISTENED TO.
Sometimes when looking back at my experiences in life I easily remember things that hurt, passages when I had a hard time defending myself, periods when I was off track, when I didn’t have the strength to see my self in clear light. It’s also to see the periods when I was bewitched by someone, when I was so occupied with taking care of another grown up being, that I partly forgot about myself, and then it’s easy to go into self doubt.
What I learn, as the years are passing by, is that life isn’t black and white. That times when there was pain and suffering, also had periods of joy, learning and self care.
Sometimes when I feel ashamed about some of the choices I have made, I tend to forget, that those choices also put my in contact with new insights, new arenas, and a growing awareness.
There has been moments where I have wanted to erase some of the episodes in my life, erase important life decisions. But isn’t that shame in a nut shell? I can not undo what I’ve already done.
What I see now is that I didn’t drown, I didn’t die, that I actually allowed my life to take a new turn.
What would happen if I look at myself with kinder eyes? What would happen if I state that I did the best I could at the time? What would happen if I also can see how I managed survival in a partly toxic environment?
What I see is that I got in contact with my core, experienced my point of light, leaned in to fears, meeting the dark, and see darkness transform from something frightening, to a space of immensity?
Would I be the love warrior I am today without experiencing all those things?
I am reading Women who run with the wolves. And this passage is the inspiration for what I write today:
”In terms of the wildish nature of women, it is this normalization of violence, and what scientists subsequently termed ”learned helplessness”, that influences women to not only stay with drunken mates, abusive employers, and groups that exploit and harass them but causes them to feel unable to rise up to support the things they believe in with all their hearts: their art, their loves, their lifestyles, their politics”.
Yes, for a while I was in that helplessness. I felt I was trapped. I didn’t want to leave the situation, because the future was totally unwritten. I had to let go, I had to surrender to that in my core, which said: ”If you want to live and thrive, you need to leave”.
And mu belief is that I was guided fromt hat inner source, from the wild in me that don’t want to be caged, who wants to be free to be myself and express myself.
And I did. Eventually.
