What if you don’t have to accept blaming from others?

It’s late in the evening. We are drinking wine. I am a bit tense, since I don’t know if his ranting will start over this evening too. I try to talk about things we agree on, to prevent the conversation to go in the wrong direction.
And then it happens.
– Charlotte, it’s your fault that I don’t succeed in getting a work. Charlotte, it was you who forced me to move to your city. Charlotte, if it wasn’t for you I would live closer to my children, and have a better contact with them. Charlotte, if I still lived in Stockholm I would earn money. Charlotte you are judging me for my hobbies. Charlotte, you are shaming me for my taste for art. Charlotte, you know I long to having a threesome with another woman and you, it’s your fault that it doesn’t happen.

And this just goes on. It’s like listening to a record on repeat. Sometimes he is focused on the work thing, and is lamenting for hours. Sometimes his lack of contact with his kids. Sometimes about his sexual fantasies. And what he says is basically: All my sufferings is your fault.

In the beginning I showed him all the love I had. I listened, I caressed, I tried to help him out in many ways.

And after a few years there is a fatigue sneaking up in me. I have a hard time standing there receiving all this frustration, all these projections. And parts of me know I need to break this pattern of co-dependency.

This night I listen. I try to say that he is responsible for his life. I say that he crushes me with all this blaming. I say that what he says is really unfair.

And ge goes on. His tone varies. Sometimes he sounds angry, sometimes sad, sometimes bitter, sometimes ironic. And his body language feels a bit threatening.

And then as the evening turns into night he gets more and more focused on pitying himself and blaming me. It’s like sitting with a little drunk child in front of me, who doesn’t hear me.

And when I, sometimes, says something like:

– I get really sad when you blame me for what you consider your misfortune, could you please, for a little while try to see this from my perspective? Could you maybe ask me to forgive you for all this blaming? And could you see that you have a responsibility?

Then it’s like another part of him wakes up. He looks at me, as stupefied, and he says:

– Charlotte, you are blaming me. You are always blaming me. And I have given up EVERYTHING for you.

And then the whole crying part starts. His eyes are getting wider, I can see the brown eyes looking at me like a deserted cocker spaniel. And he starts to shake a bit. And then comes the tears. And now I am also responsible for his tears, for his despair, and now he craves that I hold him, that i comfort him, that I Mother him.

And for a long time I did.

And I felt how parts of me was crumbling. I felt weak. I started to feel very insecure. Is there a truth to what he is saying? Am I The Destroyer of his life? What if I am selfish? What If I am evil?

At one point I started to say no. I stopped drinking with him. I stopped sitting listening to his rants and accusations. I started to put up my hand in a time out-gesture. I started to say:

– This is your problem. I don’t want to listen to this record again. Either you change the subject, or I walk out the room.

So I started to walk out the room. I started to not accept the blaming. Sometimes I even ran out of the house and ”disappeared” for an hour or so.

And sometimes I could reach him. In a more neutral situation I could say:

– Isn’t it amazing that (almost) every time I show sadness, you kidnap the sadness within some minutes, and you get to be comforted and not I.

And then he could actually say:

– That is true. That is what happens.

– What if you don’t do that. What if you took care of me, when I am sad?

– I will try.

Well if he tried, he failed. And I left.

And I learned a lot. I learned a lot about codependency. I learned a lot of narcissistic traits. I learned a lot of being ”bewitched” by someone. And I learned to say no.

And I learned a lot about blaming. Today I try hard to not blame others for my choices. I try hard to take responsibility for my choices, my actions, my thoughts, my words.

Human as I am, I guess blaming still happens, but not that often.

** What happens when a person is blaming you for something?*
** What happens inside you?*
** Is the person right? If yes - what choices could you make?*
** When do you blame others? Could you find a pattern in your behavior?*
** How does it feel to blame another?*