Saying YES - to me!

I am surrounded by people and tantric angels. We are 50 people in a temple space, ready to be part of a tantric massage happening.

We are guided to first find a person of the same sex, and then walk with that person to find a couple of the opposite sex. And then we four are the ones who will give each other massage a bit later.

I’ve been in the tantric field for 20 years. One of the foundations is to listen to yourself, your needs, your longings, your energy. When meeting others there is an important moment, when you feel into yourself, to sense if there is some kind of energetically match with the person in front of me. And often this is mutual. ”We will play together in this exercise.”

But when that is missing - the sensing yourself and the other person, when there isn’t a real connection, when things are done, rather than listened into, shit can happen.

And it just happened to me.

”Now it’s time for you temple sisters, to meet another temple sister, the sister you will play with tonight. ”

Five seconds later there is a lady grabbing my hands. I immediately feel kidnapped, like she has taken me, and that I have no chance to say no. It all happens so fast, and I feel trapped. I don’t even have the force or the idea that it’s possible to say no, or wait a minute, I need some time before deciding, I need to feel the connection or what ever. It was like I was taken, and trapped. And I started to think ”my intention this evening is to surrender, am I going to surrender to give massage to people that doesn’t feel right for me, it might be.”

I’ve seen a man in the big group who seems very off, with very little presence, and I don’t want do play with him. It’s hard to relax with a man like that. I really felt a no inside, but was unable to say that. And the woman that grabbed me chooses him and his brother. It feels awful.

”Well, I am often the leader, and then it’s my work to take care of the ones other isn’t so keen on working/playing with. I can slip in to my professional role and DO the tantra massage.”

And then there is a pause. I really sense how wrong this is for me. I don’t want to touch these people, I don’t want their hands on me. I feel very insecure and small. 

And then my thoughts goes straight into my ordinary pattern, my conditioning and I think: ”What if they feel rejected by me if I leave the group”. And for that reason I have crossed my boundaries multiple times. And I feel bad, because I am rejecting them, because I’m not just accepting the situation, and for not wanting this. I even think that I might leave this happening, instead of saying or doing anything.

I see the leader leaving the room, an I follow her. I tell her what I feel.

• What if surrender is to ask for help, as you do now? We will find you a new group. You are not here to overstep your boundaries or feeling like a victim.

We go into the room, and she puts me in contact with one of the angels. They will give me another group to be a part of.

I meet the woman that ”grabbed” me, and she asks where we shall sit. I say ”I have changed groups” (Feeling really brave to say that out loud.) She says:

• Maybe I was too fast over there, just grabbing the first woman I saw.

• Yes, you were too fast for me, I said.

And then the massage starts, and I am in a lovely group with lots of energy. A man starts to receive touch and I go into that in totality, and he is so happy about it. I am totally in the moment, I follow my impulses, my whole world is this group of four. And I realize that all the fear, guilt and shame I just felt has blown away. I am happy, I am excited, I feel appreciated for being me. I wear no mask, I go for it, and the whole process is happy, loving, caring, exciting, fun.

What if this is what happens when I am saying yes to me?