The sadness

I go into meditation. I see myself in a dark place. I am little. I am alone. It’s like I am caged there, as if I don’t belong in the light. As if I am not allowed to play in the fields.

The sadness grips me at times. I almost get caught by my primal brain, and the part of it which says that the world is a hostile place, not for me to belong to. Well, the world isn’t hostile towards everyone, its just like persons like me don’t belong there. As if I was a leper. As if I have caught an incurable disease. As if this dark place is where I belong. Deep down, away from others. Imprisoned.

And then there is a little light. I see a flame. The space I am in isn’t totally dark. I have light within. I don’t have any disease. I am worthy of belonging. I am. I am love.

I look at the world, and I’ve learned, during the years, that it doesn’t get less complicated. When I was young there was black and white. Now there is a grey scale. 

What makes me sad is a sense of impotence. I see people who wants me to stay in the darkness, as if my messages to the world are forbidden, indecent, shameful and that I should learn to keep my mouth shut.

What I do not understand, is how talks about love, relations and intimacy, can create these ideas. Why do some people see other people as threats, when they say what most of us know? It’s like certain topics are taboo these days.

And I see the world turning in the wrong direction. More and more limitations around what is acceptable. New laws and regulations banning abortions, or intimate relationships before marriage. 

I call myself a warrior of love. My conviction is that love is needed and necessary. That fear and hatred are the real threats. And still I hear about people being pushed down into the underworld, when they address these subjects. Do we want to put everything we fear into the basement, even if what we fear is LOVE? Isn’t that strange?