What is my legacy? Part 1

I am sitting in a Mastermind meeting, talking about plans for the future, and if there is a possibility to hand over the baton to someone else.

– What if your legacy is already there, Helena says.

A typical #tankespjärn from her side.

And now I will let the words flow, to see what happens.

At the turn of the millennium I started an inner journey. It was time to search answers to the question: Who am I? I already knew a lot about the superficial stuff. But what was hidden in the shadows, and how come I didn’t see my inner light? Who was I really?

I went from talking head, to a more embodied woman. I started to feel. I started to acknowledge my emotions. I started to have sensations in my body. I turned more and more alive.

I really needed to go deep. It was like I had hidden myself from myself for ages. Why on earth? Because I feared the monster. I had this idea, that inside of me was just a monster, and if I looked in and saw myself I would be devastated, I would be crushed.

I found so much inside. Of course the monster was also there, but it was only a little part of my inner world, the inner archetypes. I learned a lot about how our psyches works, and what trauma can cause in a person, and I also learned that surface things can be very healing.

Things that feel frightening in the twilight or in the dark, might look kind of sweet in daylight.

And in this exploration sexuality surfaced, now and again. There was such a longing in my body to be cuddled, to be loved, to be fucked - and to cuddle, embrace, love and fuck. There was a longing for union and a longing to feel that I belong.

As I walked into the dark room of mine, my inner darkness, it got less frightening. After a while it felt like a universe made of black velvet, with an immensity to it. There was space, and nothing to fear, really.

And I started to explore different aspects of connection, pleasure and intimacy. I had a companion, who didn’t want to leave my side: My shame. I learned that I had learned to be ashamed of myself. And then I noticed the guilt. And I could see how much energy carrying all this pain costed me. I needed to let go of some of the luggage - and one way it so see and accept what is.

As I entered the realm of sexuality and tantra, shame more or less exploded. Who am I who long for physical lovemaking? Who am I who are prepared to practice intimacy at workshops and courses?

I learned, step by step, that I do have a high libido. Something I had ignored and pushed down all my life. And I decided to break the pattern.

In 2009, after years of work, I published my Swedish book: ”Have you no shame, liberate your sexual power”. It was a book where I, in the first part, told my journey from shame to love, telling true stories from my life, and the second part was filled with exercises, meditations and reflections for the readers - to encourage them to live more fully and let go of some shame.

To publish this book, was also sort of a political statement: We can name our pussies as we like, we can love making love, we can be sexual - without being labelled as sluts. There is so much beauty in the feminine body, and our ability to enjoy and feel pleasure is immense.

I’ve reached some 1500 people with this book. That feels good.

And then I’ve continued on the journey.

When I had published the book I met a lot of resistance. I lost a lot of assignments, I was called dirty words, I was seen as weird for talking openly about sexuality. And of course I also met gratefulness from people.

And now I see it being less controversial to name female sexuality. Something has happened. And I might be a part of that. I might be one of the persons in the front line.

That could be part of my legacy.