When seen from another angle I might be a hard core person
Me in 2004 when I was about to finish Osho Risk Therapist Training.
I’ve seen myself as clumsy and a bit of a coward. And sometimes this self image resists. I mean, who am I to say that I am brave or moving like a deer? And now I get new opportunities to look at myself with other glasses.
I am a lefty, I’ve always been. No-one tried to force me to write with my right hand, but gosh how many stories I have heard of such. Like my dear grandmother on my fathers side, Ingrid, who was forced to write with right, her left being tied! And even in my generation there are persons being force into writing with the right (PUN intended) hand.
So on one hand I have the leftyness. How used I am to use the pair of scissors backwards, or turning the bread the other way around to cut it so it works for me. And there are so many tools made for right-handers.
Slowly I start to understand that my clumsiness isn’t totally real. A knife made for cutting bread are made for holding the knife in the right hand, otherwise the loafs will turn a bit funny. And I have sort of accepted that my loafs turns ugly and un-even, and almost like a joke saying things like: ”Well, I slip, I slide, I make uneven loafs, I cut badly, and it’s because I am a lefty.” And saying that sort of as an explanation to giggle about.
And then I realize that this is how it is, for real. Many tools are actually made for right-handers and isn’t adapted to us lefties … so using them we will actually look clumsy. So it’s not my leftyness that is the main problem, it’s that I need to use tools that isn’t really working for me.
And then the coward thing. I’ve considered myself as being cautious and not taking many risks. And then I realize that this self-image is questionable. I mean I’ve been traveling on vacations to foreign countries all by my self, I’ve entered the Osho world and done some hard core trainings there. And I have also been part of sone of the more hard core tantric schools. I’ve done, and I do a lot of things that are sort of out of the comfort zon I had as a young woman. And when looking at myself, zooming out, I see a woman of great courage, who does and have done a lot of stuff she is afraid of, and also been on an inner journey for 20+ years, letting the shit out of the shadow. So I guess I need to see that perspective as well.
Who am I, really?
