What if ”honesty” is a cover up for being mean?

I meet this man who has done sort of most of the self help groups you can imagine. And now he is in to ”radical honesty”. And he serves that honesty to them he meets, without bothering about their reaction, or if they really want feedback from them.
From a distance I look at him as a bully, covered up as ”I am just being honest”. And to me that is really a question of self-deception. And to me there is no warmth in this, not much of a heart, it’s more like I see a defense-mechanism beting played out.

To me, it’s important to give feedback that is welcomed. And within this frame, I am allowed to say what I see, feel, or think. But to be sure, I have found a way to navigate through this waters.

Let’s use an example. I’ve been giving feedback on written text for the last 40 years (at least), sometime in the role as peer, sometimes as a teacher, sometimes as an editor. And particularly when it comes to peers, I ask a ”control question” before reading the piece, and before giving any feedback.

The question is something like this: On what level do you want my feedback? Do you want me to simply change errors when it comes to grammar or spelling? Or do you want me to also go into how the text is build up, it’s dramaturgy? Or am I allowed to say anything, even ”this piece sucks”?

And then I give feedback from their answers. Some just want the last polishing of their work, some feels that something is missing, or doesn’t really fit, and wants to hear what can be made to make the piece more interesting or enjoyable to read. And some are like, tell me truly what you think (and there is a possibility to radical - wanted - honesty.

When a person gives me feedback, without me asking for it, blurting something they see in me in to my face, I sometimes curl up and become really small and sad, and I might feel like the bulliers have entered the building again.

And if a person is really unaware of what he or she is doing to me (or someone else) I sometimes, hopefully from a calm and non-judgmental space, use I-statements, instead of saying …”you are a bully… ” I can say ”When you give me unwanted feedback, I feel how I shrink, and I would prefer that you ask if you can give feedback befor delivering it”.

And I wonder why we (I guess I also have given un-wanted feedback) call ourselves ”honest”, instead of realizing that we actually are mean.

A question to ponder is this:
Whu do I want to give this harsh feedback?
Who does it serve?
Do äi do this to feel better myself, or to serve the other person?
If I say this like a ”revenge” on the other person, what could I do instead?
What would happen if you, instead of giving harsh feedback, would share what is happening inside you?
Maybe there is a pattern to this ”honesty”? When do you use it, and to whom?

And sometimes there is a possibility that I excuse the honest and mean person. This summer I met an old Aunt, and she looked at me and said; ”You are fat, and your hair is gray”. It was sort of very rude (and yes, I have gain a little weight, and yes I have stopped coloring my hair, it’s natural) and something she never would have said some 5-10 years ago, because she has, through her life been very polite. But as dementia hits… changes happen. And I actually got a bit sad, since that was all she communicated to me. After her tirade, she turned her head, and stopped noticing me.