What if my biggest fear hides something beautiful?

What if my biggest fear hides something beautiful?

I am in a Mastermind group since more than seven years. One of the women in the group (Helena Roth) encouraged me to join PRO2 - even though I knew next to nothing about Seth Godin and his work.
We’ve become friends. And the Mastermind-sessions vary over time. Sometime it’s business. Sometimes is personal development. Sometimes it’s private. We are four women in different ages sharing a sacred space, where we all grow, and see each other ”naked”.
And we let the leader roll circulate. And today it’s me.
And I got inspired from many of the posts I’ve written in here. And I see a pattern, revolving around fear, and handling fear. And I decided to invite the others to make inquiries around fear. Finding them, naming them, breathing into them, being curious about them, and see what happens if we stand in the fear.
And what frightens a person the most might change from day to day, moment to moment. But sometimes we find fears, that seems like core fears, created by core wounds.

If you are a person who has read some of, or many of, my dailies, you might guess where I am heading. When I, from a meditative space, started to name the fears bubbling up from within, it started with ”fear of being ridiculed”.
And it comes back to me, again and again.
”The fear of being ridiculed”. And I can see that this fear is a strong force, which is holding me back, to some extends. I mean I am not really governed by this fear, but sometimes, when I am about to take a bold move, the fear is there. Instantly. And I come into sort of a freeze.

It’s like I am standing on that big stage I am longing to stand on, being the love warrior, sending and spreading words of love, from a grounded and strong space. And I see myself owning the love warrior, even making jokes about it. I stand there as a sovereign being.

In my nightmares I then see how the audience starts to chuckle, then to laugh, like they see the Fool standing there, a person to laugh about, a ridiculous person, an awkward or embarrassing person… and it’s like they rip of my warrior costume, and I stand there naked, with a bleeding heart, while they are laughing and yelling, and throwing rotten tomatoes and eggs at me.

And today I went into the fear of being ridiculed for a while. And I breathed into that fear of ridicule, into the sensations of really being ridiculed, and then something happened.

It all changed. It transformed to me, to something totally new. I saw something else in the ridicule - I saw their fear, I saw them projecting their fears on me, on my love warrior, on my trust, on my love, on my presence, on my courage, on my compassion. It was like they projected their own shortcomings and agony on me, and I realized that their reaction to me and to my message, was not about me, it was about them. It had actually nothing to do with me - even if their energy was very strong and thrown towards me, and I could feel the adrenaline pumping within my system.

And it’s like I need to really embody, and take in, this realization. It’s like I need to bring this home. Most people who ridicule me are actually projecting, and it’s non of my business. I shouldn’t chicken out because of their fear. Maybe it’s really the other way around (new insight entering in this very moment). Me standing there, me believing in my mission, me standing right in my mission, is what I need to do.

Maybe it’s like they are helpful in a way, telling me to stand there, bold and brave, and vulnerable, standing there even if people say mean words, or throw things at me? Maybe that what’s the magic of the love warrior. Having stamina. Be love. Send out love. Also showing self love.

Of course the scene I describe is a metaphor. I still have to find out how I do this. Or rather, to notice when I am actually doing it. I believe that I am sometimes (often) a bit to harsh towards myself. Maybe I am already doing a lot of this… and what miracle could happen if I let go of the fear of being ridiculed? What if this, being ridiculed, also is a means to reach more people with my message of love?

I have some meditation to do. And some action.