What if the feeling of insecurity isn’t valid … anymore

I’ve had sessions lately about fears and insecurities. And it’s like I am slowly, almost like a sloth, understanding what is happening inside me - and realizing that my mind is sometimes a step behind.

It’s like I sometimes, in these sessions is meeting a version of me that is out-dated, versions that was true, but which are less true today. It’s like I’ve had a lot of wounds and traumas, and many of them are already healed, but parts of me doesn’t understand that. Yet.

And in the sessions, where I am taken into very relaxed moods, it’s like something in me re-members the pain, and wants to stay with it. It’s like parts of me actually loves the hurt, loves feeling unsafe and insecure, to be an outcast.

And I wonder why that is.

And in this world within I meet my inner child, and yesterday, in a session, she was in my childhood kitchen. And she actually saw me, that I am there for her. And it was like something in her relaxed. She was sitting in my lap, and then she left the kitchen, waving, having a doll my mother maid in her left hand, and then walking up the stairs to the nursery. And there was joy in her steps. And it was like she, in this moment, truly believed that I am there for her.

While being deep into my subconscious I could also see me (and be me!) on an air mattress, floating in a blue and salty ocean. And there was just peacefulness there. Me laying on the mattress, letting my hands touch the warm water, and just enjoying relaxing.

Again and again there was these images of me being relaxed and safe, in an environment (the ocean with its dark and deep waters) I usually fear a bit. It was so surprising to both meet old stuff, and at the same time slide in to relaxation.

And I had other interesting experiences. I was walking downwards and then seeing a red door. I entered the room, which was rectangular and totally empty. Like a big room in a basement. The walls where white. And the floor made of tiles. And I was struck by this emptiness, feeling lonely in this room, as if I was captivated in there. And then I looked upwards, and there was no ceiling, and no roof, I was looking up at the stars, at the Universe. And then it was like I was growing, like an Alice in Wonderland. And finally I hardly saw my feet from a far distance, and still very grounded in that basement. At the same time much of my body was in the Universe, like I could have danced with the stars. And I looked around me, and saw no-one. It was like I was the only one having the feet on the ground and my head among the stars. And even if I like the look (which actually is very familiar to me) of the Universe, it’s a lonely place.

And then I decided to return to the room, to shrink to fit. And then there was windows in the room. And I looked out of a window and I started to see other houses, other lights. It was dark outside, and every where I looked I saw the lights of candles. In a house nearby a lady was close to a window. She waved at me and I waved back. And then she signed to me to approach, and suddenly I was walking over to her house, and was invited in. And it was filled with furniture, and there was a warm atmosphere in there. And I was welcome.

Later I was standing in that inner hallway again, and was asked to chose another door. It lay straight ahead and was green. And I entered, and after a while I was surrounded by mirrors, turning my way. And they formed a circle around me, and wherever I looked, I saw versions of me. And I felt even more lonely.

In that moment I heard some music at a distance. And I realized I was not alone in the room. On the other side of the mirrors where people, dancing, enjoying them selves. Suddenly some shadows came in to the space where I was, and one of them showed me a hole, like window I could look through to see the dancers. And then I slided from the mirror space, into the space where people where dancing. At first they where like shadows in different colors. As if they took the color of their mood, or their dance. And then, little by little, they started to have faces, and the faces I met where smiling, and suddenly I was part of the dancers, I was happy, I was belonging. It was like the space with the mirror was a mirage, that I had misunderstand something crucial before. It was like I was stuck with the idea of being lonely, and not having the right to belong. And it was like the only thing I need to do is a snap with the finger, to get it right.

There are people who loves me, who would like to be in touch with me, but sometimes, particularly when I feel weak, it’s like I forget, and go uncompelled into the corner and hide.

And when I look at all this from a distance, it’s like: What do I really need to fear? What can I just drop? What if I am free to be me no? What if I’ve been hiding parts of me my whole life from fear of being judged, when maybe it’s really about the well known Marianne Williamson quote (which I had taped close to my desk for years):

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

(Now my inner judge gets agitated and asks me to stop. I obey, this time.)