When the forest digests me

The mire, before the rain.

We are about to leave the house, out on the mire. It’s situated some 800 meters from the dirt road, where the car is parked.

It has rained during the night. And the mire is filled with water. When I put my wellie into the ”ground” it sinks deeply.

And around me is the sound of thunder. The rain will start any minute now.

And as I walk, I need to focus on my feet, on where to place my next step. I don’t want to have water into my wellies. 

I cross the mire, and at the end the real forests start. A forest that reminds me of fairy tales, with very old trees and a lot of brackens, which makes the ground itself invisible. And in the forest there is a path that goes straight to the car, where one of us has already ”landed”.

As I look up, I realize I am lost. I don’t see where the path is. The rain has started, and I think I know what direction to walk. But then, I need to pass through some trees, and when I look around, it’s like everything is the same, and the sense of being lost catches me, and I feel fear crawling into my body. Entering it, but not taking over.
I carry two backpacks on my back. I am carrying as much as I can, close to my limit. And in both my hands I carry a paper-bag, each one with a pillow. It’s not heavy, but occupies my hands.

For a second or so I am five years old, alone in the forest, at the edge of the mire. I try a scream, and the answer is silence. I feel the tension in my body, and how parts of me just wants to give up, lay down, being wet both from the mire and the heavy rain. It’s like it’s to heavy a burden for me, carry all this stuff, and being lost at the same time. But I do not give in to my terrified inner five year old. My brain still works. So I take a deep breathe, put up my phone to see if Google map works, and it does. I see that I am just a minute from the road, but have some difficulties finding the right direction. And some sense of security starts filling my body. But still, there are trees laying around, filled with moss, there are all these trees, all these brackens, and the watery ground. And it’s like I sort of know that the road soon will save me from being lost.

And then the sound from the phone. One of my friends says, they know I am lost, and that one of them is looking for me. And she asks me if I want to hear her voice more… and I say, I’d better walk, I am close now.
And I walk, stumbling a bit, feeling the rain covering me, and there is the dirt road. The sense of being saved, and still, no car, I am not at the right place on the road. And I chose a direction, and after a curve I see the car.

One of my friends starts walking towards me, opening her arms. And I, like a little child, enters her embrace and crying, the kind of crying that might happen when the tension is leaving the body, and safety is there. And I continue crying for a bit, at the same time feeling foolish, and even ashamed for getting lost, for almost being digested by the wet forest.

And then we are all in the car, and they are putting their hands on me, and I start crying even more, the whole body trembling, sensing how the fear is slowly disappearing from my shaken body, and then the calm…

And I was lost for 10-15 minutes, not more, and gosh, what a lot of movement in my body, and all these emotions and feelings surfacing.Even more grateful now. For being alive. For not panicking as I was lost. For being able to receiving the love and help and friendliness from the otters. I am blessed.