What if I am contaminated by fear?

” Don’t Take Anything Personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

Don Miguel Ruiz in ”The four agreements”.

Another way of putting the Ruiz statement is ”What others think about you is none of your business”.

And I strive not to take things personally. I know a lot of projections. And still - sometimes (but just sometimes) it’s like I am contaminated by fear, just thinking about how people might judge me.

And I feel like a little animal, moving backwards towards the cave to hide. And other parts in my get frustrated from that fear. And there I am witnessing the struggle between different parts of me.

Yesterday I had an aha-moment. In a prompt (19) I had written :

”And I know that my message isn’t for all, since many starts to frown at the first mention of the word sexuality.” and Karen replied:

” There are also people happy to explore sexuality but may not be open to your message of love and spirituality. Finding the audience open to both is the challenge and the reward.”

And I am so happy for Karens reflection, since that opened something in me. I noticed one of my wounds, my fears, my holes.

What triggered my fear was ”but may not be open to your message of love and spirituality.”

I had my first spiritual encounter more than 20 years ago. So to me we are more than our physical bodies. To me there is a spiritual, and divine dimension to life. And at the same time it’s crucial to ”stay in our bodies”. To live now. To be present. To enjoy. To play. And it’s also, still to me, important to live in this world we have created, to read the news, to taking part of what is happening in society. To be a part of it.

And this spring something in me broke to pieces. I hade earlier seen that people who considered themselves as ”new age” wasn’t really my tribe. I could see a lot of teenage behavior (reactions) and ideas I couldn’t support ( example: ”I pretend I am sick, and get welfare from the state, and then I start giving massage to very low prices, making it almost impossible for others to be a massage therapist and play by the rules.” or ”We are one, and those who doesn’t believe that are stupid.” Of course I need to simplify here, just to give a hunch of what I try to say).

And I felt more and more that I wanted out of yoga halls, meeting other people and spread my message of love more towards the mainstream.

And this spring was partly terrifying for me. It was not the pandemic per se. It was what happened among the people I considered as friends or at least as acquaintances. They started to spread lots and lots of quotes, clips, and ideas around ”the plandemic”. And there was this huge idea that ”the root of the cause is mainstream media” and stuff like that. And I saw how the hippie-people turned Qanon, without even being aware of that. And when I tried to address the conspiracy theories, I was met by waves of hatred and mistrust. And at times I felt really shaken.

Parts of me knew that many of these people wasn’t my tribe. But to see them fight for Qanon was too much for me. I have un-friended several people on Facebook du to this.

And I got messages from several people, saying ”thank you Charlotte, to adress this, thank you for your calm, thank you for trying to spread love in this time, thank you for being trustworthy” and the like.

So I was not alone, but I was shaken to the core. And sort of still am. One of the reasons why I am in this workshop is that I wanted to find a new tribe. And that is happening!

And when Karen addressed the ”love and spirituality”-thing, I get freaking scared. It’s like spirituality has become sort of a plague, and that more people than I have witnessed people going nuts this year. And then, what is my fearsome logic? It’s that spirituality is seen as a plague today, due to this situation, and then they could put me into the same branch, and sort of dismiss me and my message.

My heart is beating while writing this. So there is a fear in my system.

And, when breathing into this, I can notice, that when I talk to people outside this realm (as my children) they haven’t seen much of this plandemic stuff, since they don’t have many ”new agers” int their SoMe streams. So if I am lucky, it’s not an overall dismissal of the spiritual side of life. And maybe my fears are coming from my primal brain. Maybe I neither have to flee, fight or play dead. Maybe I just need to be really awake and serve my message. And open both for ”the challenge and the reward” from people who do get my message: Love is the answer, and it starts with self love.