What if rolling the eyes is a sign that you are doing something significant?

Starting out with writing this head line. Wondering if I can write something that is really within the subject. Often my writings starts exactly like this. A headline bubbling up from within.

(Showing my creative process both for you and to myself.)

When my children were small I lived in a marriage with little touch, and little signs of love between us. And still the children could see that we liked each other. That we created a family and life together. A life with lots of adventures, such as living a year in France.

Inside me there was lots of love hiding. I hugged my children, I embraced then, I played with them, I read for them. I could sort of compensate for the lack of intimacy with my husband, by showing my love to the children. Always having my arms open to receive them.

And then I needed to leave this cocoon. I needed to break up, and start on my own, being with my children every second week. A grand disruption - and at the same time… the start of me taking more responsibility for my needs.

As you could probably figure out, I started exploring sexuality, and women’s rights turned even more important to me. I wanted to stand on the barricades talking about our right to our sexuality, not being shamed for it.

Eleven years ago I stepped out of the closet. I started my blog, talking about our right to our bodies. Our right to be sexual. Our right to protect our boundaries. Our right to talk about sexuality, and not being wrapped in the culture around silence when it comes to sexuality.

And I wrote the book (in Swedish) ”Have no shame - liberate your sexual power”. I had started my inner journey at the turn of the century, meeting meditation, tantra, and searching for answers on questions like: Who am I?.

And my children saw me at that times as ”dopey”. They thought I talked to much about meditations, going too retreats, talking about body therapy, about screaming and beating cushions, talking about finding an inner truth. And still they could handle that. They saw that my confidence grew from being more aware of my self, taking more responsibility for my actions, feelings and emotions.

But when I decided to approach sexuality, something happened.

They started to feel ashamed. They started to roll their eyes. They didn’t want to be connected to me as this person talking about sexuality. (I simplify in this description and of course I don’t know exactly what was moving inside them). And I started to feel like a naughty child. I started to be a bit frightened about how they would react. What if they started to hate me for addressing sexuality and pleasure?

Thanks to them I early on decided that my blog should contain stories that were personal and not private. I didn’t include them in my posts. And after a few years I turned my blog into more of an online magazine.

And around 2009 I started leading groups on shame and sexuality. By this time the older ones was already in their early twenties, and the youngest 15.

And sometimes some of them could sigh: I wish you didn’t do all this weird stuff. I wish you were just my mum. I wish you just work as an editor and journalist. I feel embarrassed when a friend says that they have read your blog (even if they think you are cool doing it.)

I needed to take a stand. Should I allow my children to choose my direction in life or not? If I accepted to follow their wishes, what message would I send to them?

While processing this I found some answers:

If I stop following my heart, my mission, my intuition, my dreams, I would say to them: ”Let other people decide for you, and don’t follow your dreams”.

And if I stood by, saying: This is really important to me. This is my life. You are not responsible for what I say or do. My behavior isn’t contagious, you will not be shamed for me following what’s important to me. So I keep on (and with this behavior showing them that it’s possible to follow their dreams, which they actually has done!)

So I decided to follow my inner voice. My path. And at the same time separating them from my SoMe world. Because I had no aim, what so ever, to make them feel awkward if someone would name me as a person talking freely about what’s on my mind.

And still I am sometimes scared when it comes to my children and what they think of the Swedish love warrior part of me. One of them says: ”I hate that picture of you” (me and the sword). And I feel restricted when talking about what is on my mind. I chose to talk about my journalism and stuff like that.

Still they all know at least parts of what I am doing. I am transparent in SoMe. And it’s like: Well, mum is like that… And they rarely comment anything I do in this area, neither directly to me, nor in SoMe.

I often say: ”what other people thinks about me is non of my business”. And still. It sometimes hurts to not be able to address my happiness… for example over: ”I’ve just created a new web site”… Well, or rather, I have begun to say a little, like trying where the boundaries are. ”What can I say, not to be met by rolling eyes”?

Could you sense the pain here? It’s like I want to be accepted by my children, and not the other way around. It’s like I become shy and are shrinking, hoping for their acceptance.

And at the same time. They are sort of proud, but don’t want to talk about it. When addressing sort of anything in this field, there is seldom a question. It’s like my words vanish. It’s like they disappear into a void. And I am handling it. I keep on. And it hurts a little…

And this happens in most of my familj and my beloveds family. My work is mentioned. And then silence. As if I bring in the plague while addressing love, sexuality, relationshops, tantra.

And the flip side… it happens that my children’s friend approach me, saying: I heard you are a pro on relationships… could you give me an advice?

So they are obviously talking about it, to their friends… and maybe with some pride. But at the end of the day: ”I wish mum was just my mum, not a public figure talking about this.”

Feeling extremely vulnerable now. What if you who read this judges me?

How would you handle a situation like this?
Do you fear reactions from your loved ones?
Has it happened that you want approval from your kids?
Do I sound normal?