What if I trust my intuition?

When I come back to the office there is a note at my desk.
”Your father has called, phone him”.
*I get an instant hunch, or to be more precise, a knowing. ”This means mum has tried to commit suicide”. *
I don’t pick up the phone. I don’t want this news over the phone. And I think: ”If he doesn’t call me again, it means that she survived.”

Three days later I am driving home. My father runs towards me to tell me the news, and I start out by saying: ”I already know”. And he is stupefied. Something in me knew.

I was 20 when this happened. And mum is still with us. She still wears the scars on her left wrist. She’s been living with this for 40 years, and there has been a lot of shame around this incident. But that’s another story.

If I close my eyes, I can come back to this episode in my life. The instant knowing. The cold shivers inside. My fears. I knew they lived a chaotic life, but to miss my beloved mother, that would have been terrible. Devastating.

And what amazes me is the conscious decision I made, not to pick up the phone. I knew that I would feel crushed to hear about the suicide attempt over the phone. I wanted to look mum and dad in the eyes when they delivered the news. And I also knew that if she had died, dad would have had to keep trying finding me to tell me.

On some levels I was an intuitive at that age. Sometimes I ”knew” what was going to happen. And it happened that I addressed it, but of course I was laughed at. Because it hadn’t happened yet.

Maybe things like these made my flee from my intuition, not wanting to know about scaring things as they happened or even before they did.

It was like I locked in my intuition in the basement. That inner voice seemed dangerous to me. I didn’t want to hear it. For years I became a person who wanted proof, or I wanted to experience something myself to believe in that. From a state of fear I classified even meditation as something that could drive me crazy, and who could prove there is a God, or something greater than us? To not fall apart I needed to do that.

And it worked well for years. From the outside my life was perfect. Beautiful husband, children, house, work… And on the inside it was like all the things I had locked in down in the basement started knocking on the doors, wanting to be let out. And I did everything I could not to hear their banging on the door. They felt like a big threat to the life I had chosen. I wanted to be normal. Have an ordinary life, with some extra all, like a year in France with the family.

And then it’s like I little by loose contact with what is me, with my essence.

I start questioning my life. Even though I love my children, it’s like there is a hole in my chest. The beautiful garden loses its color. I didn’t feel anything. It was like I was taking valium or some other calming meditation.

And then, one day, I hear a voice in my head. It says: ”You are stupid, stupid, stupid” And that’s the first time I realize that’s not ME, not my thoughts. I meet my inner judge. And that was a break trough. Until then I had believed my thoughts. And now I sort of yelled to the inner judge to Shut up.

What I didn’t know that this recognition of the inner judge also worked as a key to the basement. It was like the intuition and my feelings and emotions slowly woke up. And I started to notice what was going on inside. My dreams went clearer and clearer. And at one moment I had my first spiritual experience - after a meditation(!) It was like I was slowly waking up to a much bigger world.

Of course everything around me crashed. I had to walk out of my marriage. And I had a million fears around the divorce. Would he be angry? Would I manage to support the children? Would I find a place to live? And I had to meet these fears and walk through them. And what happened? Sort of nothing of what I had feared happened. Everything worked out well. The new life could begin. The life as ME.

And today I am friends with my intuition. I trust it. I say things that I wouldn’t have 20 years ago. And I meet a world of love. To me it’s so important to at least now and then check in with my intuition. And sometimes I really need to listen which voice I hear. Because my inner judge still wants to take care of me, still wants me not be hurt, still wants me not to take risks.