What if you can dwell out of time?
What if you can dwell out of time?
Stockholm June 1994
After making love I feel a great pressure in my womb. And I know that my third child is knocking at the door, ready to enter this world. When phoning to the hospital, they ask me if the labor pain has started.
– No, they haven’t but the pressure is really strong, and last time I gave birth it took just 45 minutes after we had entered the hospital, and it feels like the baby is in a hurry.
– Wait until you have real labour pains, and when there is two minutes between them, you can phone us again.
I rolled my eyes.
And then I sighed and we sat infront of the tv-set watching Sweden playing against Kamerun in the 1994 World cup in football (soccer). When the first half was finished it felt like I was about to give birth. So in the car we got, and 15 minutes later we were at the hospital entrance. I was ringing the bell outside, and it took minutes before the doors were opening.
And then we came into a waiting room, and a young nurse asked me to lay down.
– I am not laying down. I was forced to lie down when giving birth two times before, and I don’t want to.
The nurse went nervous, and excused herself and disappeared, probably to ask a superior about how handling me and my requests.
And now I am heading out of time.
I am standing in the waiting room. Waves of labor goes through my body. I am already 10 centimeters open and they baby is showing its willingness to enter this world. The movements in my body happens faster. And it’s like I am Birth, not a woman giving birth. And I need to hang on my husbands back, to handle the waves of labour.
And suddenly I am aware that the baby is bearing down. It is close to be born. And I ask my husband to ring the bell again. It wouldn’t be perfect to drop my baby on the floor in a naked waiting room.
Some minutes later we are in the maternity ward. I am one with my baby, still not born. And I more or less ignore the nurse and the midwife. I am in a symbiotic space with my baby, and it’s like the personel in the hospital is disturbing us.
When in the ward, the energy slows down a bit, which makes the midwife weary. She wanted the labour to happen as fast as possible. And I felt totally in control, in sort of an inner universe together with my baby. It was like the baby and I was in a bubble outside of time, and that I could hear the voice of the nurse and the midwife from a distance. And it felt like my husband was an intermediate and I didn’t want to communicate but to him. It was like he was the anchor to the normal world, where time counts in minutes and seconds.
And then they inject oxytocin into my veins to make the baby push out faster. And I feel devastated. My baby gets forced out, tearing my vulva apart, and there is blood and pain and I feel raped in this moment.
It was like the baby just would have needed a few minutes, to smoothly entering the world, and thet destroyed that from fear of the babys life ( I guess). And the love warrior in me knew that they made the wrong decision, and I actually still can feel a bit sad when thinking about it.
And then she was born, in haste, and I could put her on my stomach and watch as she searched for my nipple. And then we were back in time, back at the hospital, no longer in our unified space. Now separation started. As it does when a baby is born.
