What if I can learn something from my wounds?

Me in another moment of fear.

When I talk about wounds here, it’s about psychological wounds, wounds that often are born in conditioning and childhood.

And some of these wounds derive from fear, shame and guilt. And there is also a possibility that what was triggering the wound in the first place, was needs that weren’t met.

But what if sensing the presence of the wounds, could, at the same time be an opportunity to heal them?

As I see it, awareness is a key to live a good life. I mean good in the sense that we function, can be happy, where all our feelings and emotions are allowed. Where shame and guilt are not poisoning life. And maybe that kind of good life is merely a vision, something that isn’t reachable?

Even if that is the case, my experience is that it’s really worthwhile to engage with the wounds, meet them, explore them, try to understand where they come from. And when I am triggered, I can be pretty sure, there is a wound around. And then I can chose to just let it be, not taking the opportunity to look into it, or feel what happens inside. Or do the opposite. Look at it.

On my inner journey I have met wounds, traumas, fears, and when I awareness is there, it’s like the wounds gets an opportunity to either melt, or to be explored.
*What is really triggered here? *
*What is the wound about? *
*What happens if I dig deeper? *
Is there a treasure to find, or is there maybe some more self compassion and self love to embrace?

Most people have one or more core wounds. Something that can scare them a lot today, even if the wound was created decades ago, in a small child, that probably was dependent on the persons who produced the wound (often inadvertently).

And one of my core wounds (that actually was triggered in the beginning of this workshop) is a fear of being thrown out of the tribe (which could, as a child, result in death) and a core belief that I ”don’t belong”. This has of course been triggered many times in my life, like when I was bullied, or when my mum said that my abortion as a teenager was shameful, and that I should never talk about it, since that could make people dislike me…)

Anyways.

This weekend I wanted to do an experiment with this in mind. Where others may have fomo (fear of missing out) I have more of a fobto (fear of being thrown out - just created that word…).

So I staged an exercise like this:

Four people are in a room, but one is sitting aside, and cannot talk too, or interact with the others. Every five minutes, the person who are out of the group is changed, so that everybody will be in the position of not being part of what was going on.

And I started out as the outcast. And I saw how the others went closer to each other, hugging and caressing each other. And I was able to breathe through it. I tried to, at times, look in another direction, to see how that affected me. And that was worse. Then I really felt that I was on my own, in a negative sense.

And then maybe spirit is part of the play, because when I was part of the group, the two others ignored me, so I was a bystander, even when I was supposed to be included. And there was some anger in my system then, since my partner was totally focusing his attention on the other woman. And then, when we had done the fourth round, the other woman pushes me away, and says: Let’s continue and, you leave and sit at the side. Which was not what was planned. And I first collapsed on the floor. The two men acceptet her idea, and focused on her, leaving their interaction with me, like a snap with the finger. So I am on the floor, it feels like I am worthless, and I just crawl out of the room, go into our bedroom and lay on the bed, hoping to go to sleep, to die, or to be invited in to the warmth again. I feel a bit like when I was five years old, and hid, and hoped for my mum to go and find me, which she didn’t do, and I had to, long time later, come back to her, feeling utterly shameful.

In this case my beloved called for me after ten minutes, and I didn’t answer. It was like my body was in shock and I could neither move, nor say anything. I was in totally stillness, just breathing, and feeling that I really was there, in the middle of my core wound.

Some time later, my beloved found me, took me by the hand and asked me to join the others. And I felt grumpy and angry, as the five year old disappointed and shameful girl I was when my mother didn’t look for me. And my movements where a bit angry, but I chose to allow his embrace, and slowly, slowly I felt part of the tribe again.

What is the learning here? Well do me it’s evident that this core wound, the fear of being thrown out of the tribe, is still active, it still hurts a lot. And to me it’s evident that trust, safety, love and self love is important for me, and that it’s still hurts extremely much to be excluded.

I guess there is more learning to have from this experiment. I’ve learned something about the force of a wound, and my beloved partner has seen the consequences of excluding me in some situations. I guess it’s a good learning. But right now I don’t want to try this experiment again.

I will also add, that later that evening, we were sharing around what happened, and it seemed like the others have other core wounds, then this specific one of mine.