What if my standard prerequisite is ”I don’t belong”?

Långshyttan, Dalarna, Sweden, 1968.
I look at the other girls and want to play with them. But I don’t really know how to. I don’t know what I need to do to be included. So I vacillate and watch. I try to find the magical words, the abracadabras that will open the door, to belong.
And I fail.

It’s this episode I guess I’ll always remember. Standing with three girls from my class. Me pointing at my new skirt and saying:

– Look what a beautiful skirt my mum bought to me.

And the three girls, cross their arms and look at me with disapproval, one of them saying:
– Bragging smells.
And in that moment I understand that saying that anything about me is good or beautiful is absolutely forbidden. I am a fast learner.

A year later the bullying started, and the method (led by the same three girls) was exclusion. I stood alone at the breaks, and nobody approached me, and if I approached any child I was dismissed.
Sometimes I was useful, because I had the courage to address the teacher, saying my meaning, sort of being the spokesperson for the others. I was accepted as that.

Osho Risk, Denmark 2002
I am a visitor at Osho Risk for the first time. We are supposed to do hour long meditations 2-3 times a day. At the evening satsang ”with the master” I feel a great non-belonging. I am not a disciple of Osho, I am just a woman searching to answer the question ”Who am I”. And I am ready to withdraw.
But still, it’s something really strong keeping me there. It’s like everyone here is allowed to be themselves, and not being judged for that.
So I decide to join the therapist training, a commitment during 11 weeks in 18 months. And what made it possible to make that choice was the answers to three important questions:

• Do I need to love Osho to do the training?

• Do I need to take a sannyasin name?

• Is a mother of three welcome here?

And the answers was that I neither had to love Osho, nor take a name and yes, a mother of three was welcome.

This was a big step for me. It gave my inner journey a boost. And slowly, as the weeks past, I actually felt like I was a natural part of the group (but it took time). You could say that in the beginning my mind was running wild, and slowly, the chatter in the head diminished, and slowly I was healing, and it was possible to meditate and look at myself less judgmental.

Skeppsudden 2016
I am at a tantric retreat. I feel a bit like a thief who has slinked in to the group and I am sort of waiting to be excluded, or judged, or misunderstood, or shamed.
I am in that space, believing that I don’t fit, believing that my former experiences are worthless in here. And there is a fear in my, talking about my knowledges, views and experiences, because the teachings here are a bit different from my ideas.

And this feeling is there, even though I have talked to the retreat leader in advance, and she has welcomed me with open arms, and she did that knowing what I stand for, and my former experiences of tantra. And in front of the group she even says that I was her first tantra teacher. Still my doubt is there.
This tantric community is hardcore. I’ve heard about it for years, but not been prepared to try it until now. I know that I am ready for it. But still there is so much fear in me. Because within this little tribe, they often make fun of other tantra schools, calling them ”huffy fluffy”. And it’s like I often feel insecure. What of myself can I show here? When will they throw me out? What happens if I really take a stand there?

And at the same time, this environment is less and less important to me. My epiphany today (it hurts) is that I often go in to things with the idea that I am not accepted as I am. That I need to hide who I really am. That I have to put on the required costume to be included. And I can see the force of this idea. How it has followed me through the life. And I guess that my fear of being criticized (which has actually diminished) stems from this… Because I have experienced how criticism is the first step on a slope, which will lead to me being excluded.

What if I could live by ideas such as: ”What other thinks about me is none of my business”? I mean, If I compare myself today with a younger version of me, I can see that I cope better with this today, than I did earlier. But, parts of me (my inner judge!) could be frustrated both when I do something bold, and when I chicken out. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t sort of.

And seeing this. Being aware of it. Nailing it, just might be a stepping stone. I mean, who cares if I am more bold? (Well, some people actually do). And how do I create the freedom to express myself as me, in totality? Maybe by actually watching what really happens when I take a bold move or a bold stand? And believe in what I see.

*What if… something else is possible? *
What if I can embrace myself for real, and enjoy any reaction to what I do? Will I ever feel safe enough?